What are temper tantrums?
When kids cry loudly, yell, kick, scream, throw themselves on the floor, hit, or bawl their eyes out.
What causes tantrums?
On the surface, there can seem to be a number of reasons for throwing tantrums, hunger, tiredness, illness, boredom, being over-stimulated, not getting what they want, feeling ignored.
However, the real reason for temper tantrums could be frustration, stress, inability to control one’s emotions, inability to express oneself etc.
Different kinds of tantrums
Stress Tantrums- During these tantrums, the kids are not in control of their emotions.
Drama Tantrums- During these tantrums, kids are mostly in control of their emotions.
One easy way to distinguish between the two is, during drama tantrums, kids stop crying immediately when you give them what they want.
Components of tantrums
We need to understand that there are two components of a tantrum, Anger and Sadness. We need to help the kids cope with both these emotions.
The best way to handle tantrums is to prevent them. Here are a few ways you can avoid tantrums.
Ways to avoid tantrums
- Avoid triggers
If there are certain things which always bother kids, try to avoid them if you can. For example, if your child does not like going grocery shopping with you on your way back from school, try to do your shopping on the way to the school or on the weekend. - Keep them comfortable, avoid hunger and exhaustion
Kids (even adults) have trouble regulating their emotions when they are hungry or exhausted. - Choose your battles
Sometimes you can let the child do what (s)he wants to do. If they want to put on a green pair of pants instead of the yellow ones you had picked out, maybe you should let them. However, with some boundaries, you need to be firm. If your child does not want to go to sleep on time, that’s a boundary that you need to enforce. - Step in their shoes, might help in coming up with a solution
Looking at problems from their point of view might help them come up with a solution. - Distract them
Good old distraction can work wonders with young kids. You can remind them of the neighbour’s dog or the cat that they saw in the park the previous day, and distract them from the newest issue they were throwing a tantrum about. - Build good habits
If your child throws a tantrum everytime you want them to finish their veggies, or wake up for school, then you need to inculcate the right habits in them. With a proper routine, even the difficult things become easy.
Strategies for dealing with tantrums
- Stay calm, don’t get angry.
If you’re calm, that provides a much needed anchor for the child’s chaotic emotions. If you get angry, the child learns that getting angry is the right emotional response in a state of distress. - Recognize your child’s tantrum’s reason and emotion (If they’re angry or sad)
This will help you deal with them more appropriately - If its a drama tantrum, don’t give in.
Giving in will teach them that throwing a tantrum to get what they want is acceptable behaviour, which will lead to more of them - If its a stress tantrum, let their anger pass.
If they are just sad, comfort them, let them know that you understand. Help them vocalize their emotions by giving words to them. - Comfort and reassure
Once their anger has passed, you can give them hugs and cuddles and talk about their emotions - Do nothing
Sometimes if the child is experiencing anger, the best way to move past it is to let them be - When kids are violent, gently restrain them
Tell them “I need to keep everyone safe. I see you are very angry. I cannot let you hurt anyone, but it’s okay to scream and cry.”
Some Magic tricks
Here are a few tricks which have worked out for some parents. Your mileage may vary. Also, don’t use them everytime.
- Do something unexpected
For example, you can start running and jumping. Kids might get confused and in their confusion, they might forget what the tantrum was all about. - Move their line of sight
Picking them up or making them look at something higher than their regular line of sight can help them get out of their current emotional state - Speak Toddler-ese
You can start talking to your kids in their own language, using short word sentences, repeating something multiple times